Mail on Sunday

Perfection is a luxury that you have to earn. Things such as the 2007-08 NFL season for the New England Patriots or just a simple A+ in an algebra quiz are feats that would be dubbed as flawlessness. And that’s what happened Thursday evening to Chicago White Sox pitcher Mark Buehrlhe. But rare stuff like that usually is just a hodgepodge of emotions: more boredom and disappointment than a Nasdaq business meeting for the opposing team, more glee than the show Glee premiering on FOX in September for the VIP, and more awe for the fans than the Macy’s day parade. But it wasn’t over until the last out. For a while it was picture perfect, but then Chicago started to get lazy. A player on the Tampa Bay Rays, the former AL champs, hit a ball into the stands into centerfield but centerfielder Dewayne Wise sprung to retrieve it. Wise bobbled it on his journey down but in the end he held on. And that was obviously SportCenter’s number one play of the week. And thanks to Wise, Mark Buehrle was invited halfway across the country to the Big Apple to read the top 10 list on Monday night’s show with Mr. David Letterman. Oops. Reporting news. It seems that the White Sox have been humiliated 5-1 by the Detroit Tigers, which places them three games below first place in the AL central division, which apparently is held by Detroit.

Well in a mere 81 hours I will be flying on a US air airline all the way to a cluster of isolated atolls that are extremely relevant to Spongebob Squarepants, water beds, ukuleles and nirvana. H.A.W.A.I.I. Goodbye, pleasant and suburban Montgomery County. Aloha beachy, lush and tropical south Pacific. This will be ten times better than Six Flags, Kings Dominion and Water County USA combined. Because this is Hawaii. The only state that you can’t believe is part of America. Hawaii is the only location, that when you taste their food for the first time you feel as if the airplane food is leftovers from a soup kitchen. Oh wait, you always feel that way after a plane trip (sorry airlines, but really get ahold of yourself and make something that isn’t just made with artificial substitutes, acids and a solar powered microwave. Make something that people won’t pray and dream for flight cancellations so they can receive food vouchers. Sincerely, a harsh critic of yours.) I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again. Adios pleasant home, Aloha paradise.
C U L8r

Trustworthiness

Trust is one of the most powerful elements in life, and Walter Cronkite had that. The beloved CBS anchor died yesterday at the age of 93. Is trustworthiness any more needed now? People are just taking the opportunity to screw up people. Suze Orman, Dick Cheney and Joey Crawford are just messing up now. Cronkite has been a trusted man and has not let us down. But age did. Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, the world’s oldest man, Steve Mcnair and now Walter Cronkite are among the famed ones that have passed. It is only a matter of time until Ted Kennedy dies. Walter Cronkite spoke from the heartland and was an awesome broadcaster. Unfortunately, we won’t be able to here that great voice again (not counting the internet). RIP

Tom Watson is golf’s John McCain. They both are the green home type. Except McCain is like 13 years older. Watson is on the exact same course he was on 32 years ago on that historic win against Jack Nicklaus. Now Watson is in a tie with Lee Westwood in the final round.

W.A.R.S.L

Update: 2:52 pm: The elderly have been denied. Lee Westwood had his chance to win lost in the end. Shortly after that, Watson and Stewart Cink went into a playoff, just like this year’s Masters tournament with Angel Cabrera, Kenny Perry and Chad Campbell. Tom Watson gagged on a 9-foot putt on the 72nd hole of the British Open, as the 35-year old Cink rejected the 59-year old Watson’s chance of becoming the oldest player to win a major tournament.

Zac Attack

Zac Sunderland’s voyage has finally been completed. Yesterday morning the 17-year old California teenager became the youngest person to sail solo all around the world. Sunderland fended off hunger, pirates off the coast of Indonesia, sea storms and fatigue. His 36-foot sailboat, the Intrepid, first sailed off the shore of Marina del Rey on June 14, 2008, at the age of 16. Some of his friends were still preparing for their learner’s permit when Sunderland left. Then he endured his 27,500-mile journey from then on. Zac’s perseverance through his feat is just what America needed for a boost. That wasn’t a failure that was an ace. How ironic is it that Zac Sunderland became the youngest person to sail solo all around the world exactly 40 years after Neil Armstrong became the first man to walk on the moon. Those are great examples of patriotism and leadership. Now there’s bad news and good news. The bad news is that there are still failures going on that I’m going to talk about. The good news is that the president of D.E.F, Zach Lowy will be here to show and tell all the possible solutions for the failures. Congratulations, Zac.
O.K now here are some monumental fails: 10 climbers just died on two Japanese mountains, now here is how to prevent that: stay in your home for the rest of your life. Two people died on the construction for Madonna concerts in Marseilles, France: first of all, never listen to any Madonna she will give you nightmares and migraines. Just like Amy Winehouse. Second of all, never go to France, especially Paris. Too much crime. Don’t get lured in by their elegant cheeses and chocolates. You have that at your local Giant or 7-eleven. Or if you’re desperate you could go to a French restaurant or Las Vegas. The last fail is about a gunman dressed as a priest who sparked a shootout around 5 A.M. yesterday in Jersey City, N.J. 5 police officers were wounded, 2 were severely injured, and the gunman and another suspect were killed. Here’s your antidote for that situation: don’t wake up or go on the streets at 5 A.M.
Well, it’s been 40 years since the Apollo 11 mission, when Neil Armstrong became the first man to say; “the eagle has landed” and step on the moon, and Buzz Aldrin became the second man to step on the moon (people sometimes or always forget about him). Look what’s happened in the solar system since then. Astronauts started construction on the moon, Pluto got fired, Fly me to the moon and Space Chimps came out on DVD, and NASA is constructing another plan to go to the moon again.
T.A.T.G.O.I.T.W.L (type about things going on in the world later)

Epic Failures

Many failures are occurring in commonly Honduras, Iran and Afghanistan. But an EPIC FAILURE could be happening in your community. A squirrel’s head stuck in a plastic cup, a bear wimping out of a food raid in a house in California because an 86-year old man barked at the bear. And my favorite one, a teenager texting on her cell phone, falling into an open manhole, which leaded to a hairy situation. The teenager then fell into the sewer and is now planning to sue. The epic part about it was the construction workers went to get cones as a caution signal. That’s why I’m creating D.E.F, a program to end epic failures, (don’t epicly fail). See my thinking is what Obama needs in his administration. Not converting all the remaining decent American cars into biodiesel. So contribute to D.E.F !!! Wait, I forgot a major failure: Sarah Palin.
Steve Mcnair has a restaurant made after his number, Gridiron 9, and Michael Jackson gets nothing. Just a sappy cry from his daughter, Paris. That is disappointing.
D.F.I.A.P.W. (don’t fail in any possible way).

Desperate Alaskan Spaz

Let me mentally dissect Sarah Palin and come clear. Palin has the definite voice of Hitler and the brain of George W. Bush. Right after she humiliates herself in front of America in the election, she decides to resign her reign as an Alaskan governor. I know I sound like a pessimistic politician, but this is the way everybody feels. Now let me burst the evidence: Sarah Palin went to the same hospital that her daughter Bristol was, heard that her waters broke, and decides to still fly halfway across the country to deliver a speech if she even was pregnant. Not even Sarah Palin would be stupid enough to do that. And Bristol’s first infant, Trigg, now has Down syndrome. This is more aggravating then the 2000 election. At least Sean Parnell is taking over. Now for the last time, Trigg is Bristol’s baby!
Ex-quarterback Steve Mcnair was shot last night. Mcnair took the Tennessee Titans to the Super Bowl in 2000 in a 23-16 loss to the St. Louis Rams.
A 15-year-old South Carolina girl named Abby Tyler, who was shot earlier this week, was just proclaimed dead. Her 48-year-old father was shot too, and died. Three other bodies were found dead, and the FBI proclaimed that there is a serial killer in South Carolina.
W.A.R.S.L

Bernie's Inferno

Bernie Madoff is finally in jail! Madoff got sentenced on Monday as a consequence of the terrible greed that he showed by investing an approximate 65 billion virtually. His Wall Street horror film that he directed, is so jarring that he was sentenced to 15 decades in solitary confinement, which unless he’s a contemporary Methuselah, he will kick the bucket behind bars. Madoff was a gluttonous adult even though he served for the head of Nasdaq, the second largest trading exchange industry. His Ponzi scheme was the most infamous work of cunningness ever. A judge called for the penalty of 171 billion in his savings, including a 2.2 million yacht and estates in Palm Beach and Montauk, N.Y. Madoff’s story shows that you can’t run away from life. That is, unless you’re Osama Bin Laden.

Serena Williams just beat Venus Williams in another Wimbledon final with sibling rivalry, 7-6, 6-2. But that’s not what’s catching people’s attention. Because there’s an unknown life form in the North Carolina sewer. Because there’s a rumor that “The E.ND” will be the Black-eyed peas last album. Because Sarah Palin resigned in office. Because Hitler’s grandson is plotting revenge and will revolt in October! I’m just kidding.

Peace out!