One for the Aging

No matter what goes down in New Orleans today, Brett Favre has given a message stating no matter what you are you can still fulfill you dreams. Now let me break down how the Vikings can beat La Breesiana’s Saints. Even though it seems like someone put Red Bull in the holy water, the Saints are dependent on Darren Sharper, Will Smith and Jonathan Vilma. So Minnesota has to be sure to bust out Adrian Peterson, Sidney Rice, Percy Harvin and Visanthe Shiancioe. If not, bring in Bernard Berrian and Chester Taylor. New Orleans can bring in their running game anytime (Pierre Thomas, Reggie Bush, Mike Bell & Deuce McAllister) but sometime Ben Leber, Kevin Williams, Pat Williams, Jared Allen and Ray Edwards will sniff it out. Then Drew Brees will have to hit Jeremy Shockey, Marques Colston, Devery Henderson or a halfback. Chad Greenway and Cedric Griffin can’t cover that. Overall, I’m rooting and I’m going with the Vikings.

Heading north to South Bend, a hyped, young New York Jets team faces a veteran, Indianapolis Colts team. With rookie coach Rex Ryan and rookie QB Mark Sanchez on a hot streak and rookie coach Jim Caldwell and best QB in the nation Peyton Manning, it ought to be a grind-it-out. The stingy Jets D (Dwight Lowery, Lito Shepperd, Darrelle Revis, Kerry Rhodes, Jim Leonhard, Bart Scott, Calvin Pace) faces an unstoppable Colts O (Joseph Addai,s, Pierre Garcon, Dominic Rhodes, Dallas Clark, Reggie Wayne, Austin Collie, Anthony Gonzalez, Jeff Saturday). The Colts defense is also tenacious (Antoine Bethea, Dwight Freeney, Robert Mathis, Gary Brackett, Bob Sanders) and the Jets offense is prominent (Alan Faneca, Damien Woody, D’Brickshaw Ferguson, Shonn Greene, Leon Washington, Thomas Jones, Braylon Edwards, Dustin Keller, Jericho Cotchery). Did I mention that a demented coaching blunder by Caldwell is the only reason the Jets are recieving more attention than Paris Hilton? Although the ammunition in the Jets team is balanced and high, the Colts have more weapons in their arsenal. Sorry, Rex, but your chariot turns into a pumpkin now. Peyton vs. Brett in Miami.

Vikes!

Shooting Saints

It hurts. It’s the pain of Kurt Warner’s career being ended by terrorizing and molesting New Orleans Saints. Final picks: Indy over Baltimore, Dallas over Minnesota, New York Jets over San Diego, Indy over NYJ, Dallas over New Orleans, Indy over Dallas. So, awkwardness comes to its revolution in my life as I hit Summit Lake. For Outdoor Ed. With my classmates. Anyway, Reggie Bush, Marques Colston, Drew Brees, monster performance, bla, bla, bla. This blog series needs a tight name. I’ll give it Shooting Stars. Now that Tony Dungy lost all his market addiction for saying he’d like to coach the New York Giants, an 8-8, no-man’s land team that had been diagnosed with a virus of “too much, too early”. All I’m saying is Dungy now has less swagga than a Haitian Conan O’Brien fan (no offense intended toward the Haiti community, all offense intended toward Conan O’ Brien). I was going to nail Matthew Mcconaughey but I see that Katherine Heigl hired Adult Swim cartoons for that.

LOL

Part I

Before I begin this blog, I want you to know that this is long, extremely long. Which is why it has many parts. You may begin.

One week ago, I experienced the cinema of a lifetime, Avatar: 3-D. You know, all James Cameron does is give. He gives hope and inspiration. And if I don’t find out a way to thank him by the end of this blog, then I might as well…well I didn’t really plan the end of this one. Ooh, I know! I might as well go to the revival of Brokeback Mountain and then I’m like on a horse and then one of the horses is like “Hey, you knows since Heath Ledger’s dead, I’m going to just jump off this cliff, you know just for the hell of it” and then the other horse is like “Ha ha ha” and the other horse is like “Oh you wanna see?” and the other horse is like “Oh my Barbaro he’s gonna do it. Take me with you” and then they miraculously start swimming head over water and then “Ain’t’ no mountain high enough” spontaneously starts playing on the stereo and then they tragically yet hilariously drown. And then a nearby owl says “Whoa, somebody’s a little Ashley Tisdale” and then the other owl is like “That doesn’t even make sense” and the other owl is like “Yeah, I don’t really give a hoot” and then the other owls like “Well, somebody’s a little Liza Minnelli” and then the other owl’s like “I thought she got Parkinson’s” and the other owl’s like “No, her career is being torn up by Family Guy and South Park taunts” and the other owl’s like “Well, it’s just Denise. We broke up last night” and the other owl’s like I thought you were about to go to Hooters,” and the other owl’s like “Look Kevin, she can’t dump you on Hooters. It’s unorthodox,” and Kevin’s like “Not if it’s on the check” and the other owl’s like “Kevin, you disappoint me. You know that 34% of relationships end on the bill” and the other owl’s like “Oh Damien, you and your Essence magazines” and Damien’s like “You know Kevin, why don’t you just go hoot yourself. Okay. Why don’t you just get AIDS and burn in hoot” and Kevin’s like “1. You get HOOT before you get AIDS and 2. Maybe I will burn in hoot, cuz it’s better than hooting around with you” and Damien’s like “Hoot, hoot, hoot” and Kevin’s like “Shut the hoot up” and then they continuously keep on nailing each other until Open Season where both of them are shot by Dick Cheney. Moving on!

Christmas

Christmas is a great thing. To commemorate Chris Tomlin’s hard work with Malaysian airlines is just great. Say what? You didn’t hear? Yes sir, that’s the purpose of the holiday. Sit back; relax, as I kick the true facts of this holy day.

Okay so it was 1944. Hitler was dominating over the world and soon would top Napoleon Bonaparte quest to rule the world. The swastika was not burning in hell, like FDR said but it was all around. It was the evening of December 24, 1944. Hitler had Europe tied up like Family Ties, and he had planned to conquer Siam and Southeast Asia. One Malaysian orphan found out Hitler was coming and he warned the other children in the asylum. With all the money they had earned from cleaning the cellar and bathroom they scrapped enough money to have a plane come to the rescue. Yet they had not told the reason, and Malaysian airlines’ (MAS) policy was if there were no reason, you’d have to ride with a villain. Stalin was booked and Al Capone was recently shot, so Mr. Grinch had to go. Even the people who invited him were scarred to death of him, but he was in a good mood since it was perfect timing. But he took Chris Tomlin hostage. They airline people were frightened but since Chris Tomlin was taken hostage so they were grateful for that. As soon as the orphans took a glimpse of Hitler they knew there was no easy way out. “Ha! You vill die!” deviously spoke Adolf. Hitler took the orphans hostage and then took them to the middle of the plane and opened the door. “Do vou see vhat! Vhat is vhe Marianas Tvench, vhe deepest place in vhe vorld. And vou vill soon vie in vit”. To go into desperate measures, one of the orphans asked Tomlin to sing a yuletide carol. Thinking it would bring serenity to Hitler, Chris Tomlin belted out “Hark! The herald angels sing”. The first few notes were enough to get into Hitler’s cranium. His horrible singing made Hitler, who was standing right next to the door, faint, and fall into the Marians Trench. And although the orphans were deaf from that point on, it was a Chris_T-MAS miracle. Merry Chris_T-MAS.

Happy Holidays

T.Hanks a lot

I’ve skipped an acceptation of the Student of the month award, scoring the highest grade for the boys in my science class for the first quarter, birthday parties, the end of my soccer season, a new soccer season, Halloween, the discovering of Ardi, my time on the PA morning announcements, and the phony-bologna Barack Obama receiving the high & mighty Nobel Peace Prize. But I’m back just in time for holiday season and Thanksgiving. And I know that this is all about the Pilgrims coming from the Mayflower to the new world and having a feast with Squanto and Massasoit and the Wampanoag tribe, but I have a different conjecture.

You see I used to think Tom Hanks was a hobo and he was born on the fourth Thursday of November sometime in the ‘80s. I thought he was diagnosed with cancer, depression, cerebral palsy, etc, but he was too poor to afford a doctor so you technically couldn’t call him diagnosed. So he basically had a worse life than Anne Frank, but eventually some sympathy came around for him. Then nearing his birthday, many people started food drives, toy drives, clothing drives, etc. for him. So than people decided since his first initial and his last name spelled out Thanks and since everybody was giving stuff to him, they dubbed this time of year Thanksgiving. But then the people wanted THEIR own party, and since they wanted something different, they chose turkey, stuffing, cranberries, gravy, etc. Soon marveling at the ironic coincidence that a teenager pointed out to the New York Times, everybody now states what he or she is thankful for during this joyous day. The crummy part about it is I recently found out a different and more popular reason for Thanksgiving. And when I was watching Forrest Gump, Toy Story,and Big, I found out that Tom Hanks is a millionaire actor. Which is why I vetoed watching Angels & Demons, Philadelphia, Cast Away, Saving Private Ryan, Apollo 13, and the Da Vinci Code. I actually admired his work in Forrest Gump, but I just can’t...I just can’t take the humiliation anymore. Though it would probably have been a better children’s story than Charlie Brown and the Peanuts’ Happy Thanksgiving. I can still hear his mom say "Life is a box of chocolates". I guess I should’ve called it T.Hanks_giving. I’d rather watch Degrassi or one of those overrated TNT and Comedy Central shows than any of his films. You know why that channel’s called Comedy Central? I mean it sure isn’t comedy (except for South Park), and it’s not even located in the central part of the U.S.A! Reno 911 is located in Reno, South Park is in Denver, and I think Scrubs takes place in Southern California. I have a theory for the name too, but that’s another story…

To Indefinitely Be Continued

H.T (Happy Thanksgiving)

From 6-2 to Boo-You!

It was coming. Everybody knew it would happen soon. The Redskins have again thwarted fans and their mullah. In a city besieged by the stock market, polluted, and with thousands of people waiting until the Salvation Army bus comes for cold meals (You guessed it, Detroit), a slight sparkle of hope shined during today’s game. Or it could be horrifying football. Matthew Stafford was prolific, but it didn’t matter anyway. After a 19-game losing streak, the Detroit Lions somehow finally a team stupid enough to beat: ladies and gentleman, the Washington Redskins! Yay! And guess what; when Dan Snyder pointlessly bought Albert Haynesworth and Brian Orakpo and keep Clinton Portis, the trio all suck and get injured! Woo-hoo! But that’s not it folks; the Washington Wizards were the worst team last year, got the worst possible draft spot and suck, and D.C United is not a favorable team, the Nationals suck and are for the gazillionth time are the worst team in baseball. Count your prayers on the capitals, cuz so far it ain’t lookin’ pretty for District of Columbia. Have you realized that the Redskins were 6-2 at one point last season? My catchphrase is “From 6 and 2 to boo you!” I have some helpful notions. Since Hunter Smith and Chris Cooley are the only players with a touchdown, I think you should take advantage of Miami’s brilliant Wildcat scheme, and put Hunter Smith in for QB. Punt or run. If that doesn’t work out then I’d get a census and ask for volunteers for the Redskins. Is anybody living in this household? Any age will do! I would pay you, but Dan Snyder has already wasted billions and is too greedy to invest anymore. The Redskins will never be a favorable team for me. In fact, I’m more of a rugby person now. So if anybody asks me my favorite sport, I will say rugby. Even though I have no clue what it is.

More dissatisfaction in the sports world. The Yankees just clinched 1st place in the AL East division. The good news is that the Red Sox are definitely going to be a wild card. Boston is coming strong again for this Soxtober.
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Mythology is real! A mythological creature was found in Panama. And four teenagers killed it! It was believed to be an extra-terrestrial. Did I mention I'm having Greek Mythology next unit in Reading. Perfect timing.

This is a nail-biting topic: Iran is testing out missiles along with nuclear fears. Cuba and Iran could like, form a union. The second generation of the Soviets. Raul Castro and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad could have a confidential meeting about having an immense bombing. But I’m sounding to Glenn Beck-y. My new word! But either way this is as frightening as Texas Chainsaw Massacre in 4-D.

A.H.I.L.I.DC (All Hope is lost in DC)

The Match

Boy do I have to do a lot of blogging to catch up on. Kanye West, Joe Wilson, Serena Williams, how I won class president, my mom’s first book being published, Kim Clijsters, Juan Del Potro, my upcoming soccer game against a rival team, where shall we start? Well Kanye totally dissed Taylor Swift and embarrassed Beyonce, Wilson and Serena dissed themselves. Del Potro and Clijsters were gracious against Federer and Wozniacki. But I’ve got some more blog fodder. During the Davis Cup semifinal, Czech Republic vs. Croatia, Ivo Karlovic trounced the record for most aces in a game, racking up 78 ACES! But Radek Stepanek stayed in the game, persevering those remarkable serves, and won. In a match that was 1 minute shy of 6 hours! The scores were 6-7, 7-6, 7-6, 6-7, and 16-14. In the other Croatia vs. Czech Republic match, Tomas Berdych defeated Marin Cilic 6-3, 6-3, 3-6, 4-6, 6-3, and the Czech Republic reached the Davis Cup final for the first time in 29 years. And Spain swept Israel in the other side of the bracket. Poor Israel. Let down on Rosh Hashanah. The Jewish New Year! Ouch. No really I just pulled my hamstring and sprained my heel at the exact same time. Ow, the pain! I’m going to get an ice pack and a heating pad.

Peoples, check out this college football game. Newbie coach Lane Kiffin/Lame Kiffin is rolling the dice today. He said Tennessee (his team) is going to beat Florida, and this is the game. It's really controversial. So check it out. In fact, check out the score right now on ESPN.com. Check it out, check it out. Pardon my check it outs. I just saw this Sonny with a chance episode, and it had this sketch called the check it out girls. Basically all they said was check it out. By the way, the reason I call Lane Kiffin Lane Kiffin/Lame Kiffin is because I don't know what he'd rather be called: a street or boring. Go Florida!

Hey guys, guess what? I made up some other awesome words. Whenever a person fails too much, like everyday, you call them a Faily Daily. And I just finished seeing West Side Story. It was really good, much better than To kill a mockingbird or every single Cinderella story there is. It wasn’t as cliché as I expected it to be, it was definitely a modern version of Romeo & Juliet. But it should’ve been called this awesome title I made up: West Side Worry. Oh yeah! The etymology maestro strikes again. And I found this one can of sweet corn kernels at Giant called Niblets. That’s radical. It’s a close race, but Faily Daily crosses the finish line first.

So anyway Kanye, Wilson, and Serena showed some bad behavior. Kanye used his right of free speech at the wrong time. Wilson is a fascist. And Serena has eternally messed up her life. She apologized, but still. At Flushing Meadows (the US Open) she was the one of the only American player without a major fan club. I’ve got to admit, I predicted Lady Gaga to win, with The Fame. Taylor’s Fearless was okay but Beyonce’s I am…Sasha Fierce was better. But Taylor’s only been around since early 2008. And Beyonce's been a billionaire for like 5 years. Let me check out if I’m forgetting something. Okay. I just listened to Halo and You belong with me. Kanye was telling the truth. Only 6-year old orphan girls with no friends and no life that live in a foster home on a struggling farm outside of Houston listen to this cliché boredom that will make you want to stuff your ears with the closest & smallest object around you, stay like that for the rest of your life and probably commit suicide! Beyonce’s songs: pure beauty. I’m not saying I’m going to attempt to give Taylor laryngitis or anything. Fine, she’s not that bad, I just wanted Beyonce to win. Beyonce rules! She even invited Taylor up in her acceptance speech. Beyonce rules!

BRB (Beyonce Rules Bye)