What Fails you

To tie up the 3 greatest institutions in the beautiful landmass (Super Bowls, Presidents, Z Zones), I will have to write another blog. This is the 44th for everything. Peyton the Prodigy vs. Drew the Devil (don’t get me wrong, I like Drew Brees). Check out these patriotic blogs, Failblog and the America Bowl (epicalyspe fails and super bowl vs. presidents). Tonight, Saints linebacker Jonathan Vilma and Colts wide receiver Pierre Garcon will be representing their homeland, Haiti. Pretty much a Faily daily for CBS as the deny a homosexual ad for the Super Bowl (ROFL) and as always, Sarah Palin as she defends Rush Limbaugh’s usage of ‘retard’ on Fox News Sunday. Also an Oprah audience member went into labor (what’s that about abortion, Obama) and NBC removed every episode of Conan O’Brien’s “Tonight Show” (yeah baby!). Candy Crowley ponders if her weight loss helped her get CNN’s State of the Union this year. Anne Hathaway and obviously Pink put on an undesirable show. And the “Jersey Shore” cast star on The View. If you ask me Whoopi Goldberg and Elizabeth Hassleback will probably get into a verbal catfight over the stimulus package by then but the 26 viewers who watch will see.

In the Wolfman, Bernico del Toro takes psychedelic drugs-I think. Leonardo DiCaprio stars in Shutter Island. Steve Carell and Tina Fey go for identity theft in Date Night. In Cop Out, Bruce Willis and Tracy Morgan go back to the 70’s in a cinema similar to a non-disturbing Austin Powers movie. And last but not least Adam Sandler recruits Salma Hayek, Kevin James, Rob Schneider, Chris Rock and David Spade for his new movie, Grown Ups.

Dwight Freeney is likely to play, ready to put the kibosh on the Saints offense. To top it off, the Colts will win in a Brees.

D.E.F

Ain't no Saints

Before you settle down in your sofa and sit down and watch today’s big chalupa on you platinum hi-def TV, I have two things to say: 1. Don’t call the Super Bowl the big chalupa, because only I can say that. Try the giant fajita or the monster chimmi changa. And 2. Don’t root for the Saints because: 1. The NFL publicly stated the last play of regulation should’ve been a late hit on Brett Favre. 2. That would’ve set them up at the 15-yard line and then have the best kicker in the league, Ryan Longwell to drill a chipshot. 3. Because of the Saints perilous defensive play two of the best quarterbacks in the NFL ever are either retired or going to retire.4. No idea why they call them the Saints. They must be like Jesus’ evil twins or something like that. 5. The Saints should switch names with the Raiders or Buccaneers. 6. The only reason the Saints Devils have on a game so far is thanks to a variety of Mike Tyson-like blindside hits. 7. Bobby McCray is mental. 8. With all due respect to Drew Brees, the Colts will trounce the Saints and actually should’ve been undefeated. 9. Greg Williams publicly and immaturely stated that we’re going to have some “remember me hits” on Peyton. 10. That dude’s fatter than Britney Spears. 11. If they have one more Chevrolet commercial I will go insane.

My house has more snow than Alaska. It is packed.

Did you see the Grammys on Monday. Kings of Leon got some love, while their underdog Use Somebody beat out rotweilers like the Black-Eyed Peas' I gotta Feeling, Taylor Swift's You belong with me, Beyonce's Halo, and Lady Gaga's Poker Face for record of the year. Kesha, Justin Bieber, and Rihanna all got dissed, while Tik Tok, One Time and no songs for Rated R. Run this town, supprisingly didn't go anywhere, and Kanye West and Chris Brown could only watch. How about Katy Perry? She kissed a girl and she liked it. I'll go off on that home run.
W.A.R.S.L

BRB

One for the Aging

No matter what goes down in New Orleans today, Brett Favre has given a message stating no matter what you are you can still fulfill you dreams. Now let me break down how the Vikings can beat La Breesiana’s Saints. Even though it seems like someone put Red Bull in the holy water, the Saints are dependent on Darren Sharper, Will Smith and Jonathan Vilma. So Minnesota has to be sure to bust out Adrian Peterson, Sidney Rice, Percy Harvin and Visanthe Shiancioe. If not, bring in Bernard Berrian and Chester Taylor. New Orleans can bring in their running game anytime (Pierre Thomas, Reggie Bush, Mike Bell & Deuce McAllister) but sometime Ben Leber, Kevin Williams, Pat Williams, Jared Allen and Ray Edwards will sniff it out. Then Drew Brees will have to hit Jeremy Shockey, Marques Colston, Devery Henderson or a halfback. Chad Greenway and Cedric Griffin can’t cover that. Overall, I’m rooting and I’m going with the Vikings.

Heading north to South Bend, a hyped, young New York Jets team faces a veteran, Indianapolis Colts team. With rookie coach Rex Ryan and rookie QB Mark Sanchez on a hot streak and rookie coach Jim Caldwell and best QB in the nation Peyton Manning, it ought to be a grind-it-out. The stingy Jets D (Dwight Lowery, Lito Shepperd, Darrelle Revis, Kerry Rhodes, Jim Leonhard, Bart Scott, Calvin Pace) faces an unstoppable Colts O (Joseph Addai,s, Pierre Garcon, Dominic Rhodes, Dallas Clark, Reggie Wayne, Austin Collie, Anthony Gonzalez, Jeff Saturday). The Colts defense is also tenacious (Antoine Bethea, Dwight Freeney, Robert Mathis, Gary Brackett, Bob Sanders) and the Jets offense is prominent (Alan Faneca, Damien Woody, D’Brickshaw Ferguson, Shonn Greene, Leon Washington, Thomas Jones, Braylon Edwards, Dustin Keller, Jericho Cotchery). Did I mention that a demented coaching blunder by Caldwell is the only reason the Jets are recieving more attention than Paris Hilton? Although the ammunition in the Jets team is balanced and high, the Colts have more weapons in their arsenal. Sorry, Rex, but your chariot turns into a pumpkin now. Peyton vs. Brett in Miami.

Vikes!

Shooting Saints

It hurts. It’s the pain of Kurt Warner’s career being ended by terrorizing and molesting New Orleans Saints. Final picks: Indy over Baltimore, Dallas over Minnesota, New York Jets over San Diego, Indy over NYJ, Dallas over New Orleans, Indy over Dallas. So, awkwardness comes to its revolution in my life as I hit Summit Lake. For Outdoor Ed. With my classmates. Anyway, Reggie Bush, Marques Colston, Drew Brees, monster performance, bla, bla, bla. This blog series needs a tight name. I’ll give it Shooting Stars. Now that Tony Dungy lost all his market addiction for saying he’d like to coach the New York Giants, an 8-8, no-man’s land team that had been diagnosed with a virus of “too much, too early”. All I’m saying is Dungy now has less swagga than a Haitian Conan O’Brien fan (no offense intended toward the Haiti community, all offense intended toward Conan O’ Brien). I was going to nail Matthew Mcconaughey but I see that Katherine Heigl hired Adult Swim cartoons for that.

LOL

Part I

Before I begin this blog, I want you to know that this is long, extremely long. Which is why it has many parts. You may begin.

One week ago, I experienced the cinema of a lifetime, Avatar: 3-D. You know, all James Cameron does is give. He gives hope and inspiration. And if I don’t find out a way to thank him by the end of this blog, then I might as well…well I didn’t really plan the end of this one. Ooh, I know! I might as well go to the revival of Brokeback Mountain and then I’m like on a horse and then one of the horses is like “Hey, you knows since Heath Ledger’s dead, I’m going to just jump off this cliff, you know just for the hell of it” and then the other horse is like “Ha ha ha” and the other horse is like “Oh you wanna see?” and the other horse is like “Oh my Barbaro he’s gonna do it. Take me with you” and then they miraculously start swimming head over water and then “Ain’t’ no mountain high enough” spontaneously starts playing on the stereo and then they tragically yet hilariously drown. And then a nearby owl says “Whoa, somebody’s a little Ashley Tisdale” and then the other owl is like “That doesn’t even make sense” and the other owl is like “Yeah, I don’t really give a hoot” and then the other owls like “Well, somebody’s a little Liza Minnelli” and then the other owl’s like “I thought she got Parkinson’s” and the other owl’s like “No, her career is being torn up by Family Guy and South Park taunts” and the other owl’s like “Well, it’s just Denise. We broke up last night” and the other owl’s like I thought you were about to go to Hooters,” and the other owl’s like “Look Kevin, she can’t dump you on Hooters. It’s unorthodox,” and Kevin’s like “Not if it’s on the check” and the other owl’s like “Kevin, you disappoint me. You know that 34% of relationships end on the bill” and the other owl’s like “Oh Damien, you and your Essence magazines” and Damien’s like “You know Kevin, why don’t you just go hoot yourself. Okay. Why don’t you just get AIDS and burn in hoot” and Kevin’s like “1. You get HOOT before you get AIDS and 2. Maybe I will burn in hoot, cuz it’s better than hooting around with you” and Damien’s like “Hoot, hoot, hoot” and Kevin’s like “Shut the hoot up” and then they continuously keep on nailing each other until Open Season where both of them are shot by Dick Cheney. Moving on!

Christmas

Christmas is a great thing. To commemorate Chris Tomlin’s hard work with Malaysian airlines is just great. Say what? You didn’t hear? Yes sir, that’s the purpose of the holiday. Sit back; relax, as I kick the true facts of this holy day.

Okay so it was 1944. Hitler was dominating over the world and soon would top Napoleon Bonaparte quest to rule the world. The swastika was not burning in hell, like FDR said but it was all around. It was the evening of December 24, 1944. Hitler had Europe tied up like Family Ties, and he had planned to conquer Siam and Southeast Asia. One Malaysian orphan found out Hitler was coming and he warned the other children in the asylum. With all the money they had earned from cleaning the cellar and bathroom they scrapped enough money to have a plane come to the rescue. Yet they had not told the reason, and Malaysian airlines’ (MAS) policy was if there were no reason, you’d have to ride with a villain. Stalin was booked and Al Capone was recently shot, so Mr. Grinch had to go. Even the people who invited him were scarred to death of him, but he was in a good mood since it was perfect timing. But he took Chris Tomlin hostage. They airline people were frightened but since Chris Tomlin was taken hostage so they were grateful for that. As soon as the orphans took a glimpse of Hitler they knew there was no easy way out. “Ha! You vill die!” deviously spoke Adolf. Hitler took the orphans hostage and then took them to the middle of the plane and opened the door. “Do vou see vhat! Vhat is vhe Marianas Tvench, vhe deepest place in vhe vorld. And vou vill soon vie in vit”. To go into desperate measures, one of the orphans asked Tomlin to sing a yuletide carol. Thinking it would bring serenity to Hitler, Chris Tomlin belted out “Hark! The herald angels sing”. The first few notes were enough to get into Hitler’s cranium. His horrible singing made Hitler, who was standing right next to the door, faint, and fall into the Marians Trench. And although the orphans were deaf from that point on, it was a Chris_T-MAS miracle. Merry Chris_T-MAS.

Happy Holidays

T.Hanks a lot

I’ve skipped an acceptation of the Student of the month award, scoring the highest grade for the boys in my science class for the first quarter, birthday parties, the end of my soccer season, a new soccer season, Halloween, the discovering of Ardi, my time on the PA morning announcements, and the phony-bologna Barack Obama receiving the high & mighty Nobel Peace Prize. But I’m back just in time for holiday season and Thanksgiving. And I know that this is all about the Pilgrims coming from the Mayflower to the new world and having a feast with Squanto and Massasoit and the Wampanoag tribe, but I have a different conjecture.

You see I used to think Tom Hanks was a hobo and he was born on the fourth Thursday of November sometime in the ‘80s. I thought he was diagnosed with cancer, depression, cerebral palsy, etc, but he was too poor to afford a doctor so you technically couldn’t call him diagnosed. So he basically had a worse life than Anne Frank, but eventually some sympathy came around for him. Then nearing his birthday, many people started food drives, toy drives, clothing drives, etc. for him. So than people decided since his first initial and his last name spelled out Thanks and since everybody was giving stuff to him, they dubbed this time of year Thanksgiving. But then the people wanted THEIR own party, and since they wanted something different, they chose turkey, stuffing, cranberries, gravy, etc. Soon marveling at the ironic coincidence that a teenager pointed out to the New York Times, everybody now states what he or she is thankful for during this joyous day. The crummy part about it is I recently found out a different and more popular reason for Thanksgiving. And when I was watching Forrest Gump, Toy Story,and Big, I found out that Tom Hanks is a millionaire actor. Which is why I vetoed watching Angels & Demons, Philadelphia, Cast Away, Saving Private Ryan, Apollo 13, and the Da Vinci Code. I actually admired his work in Forrest Gump, but I just can’t...I just can’t take the humiliation anymore. Though it would probably have been a better children’s story than Charlie Brown and the Peanuts’ Happy Thanksgiving. I can still hear his mom say "Life is a box of chocolates". I guess I should’ve called it T.Hanks_giving. I’d rather watch Degrassi or one of those overrated TNT and Comedy Central shows than any of his films. You know why that channel’s called Comedy Central? I mean it sure isn’t comedy (except for South Park), and it’s not even located in the central part of the U.S.A! Reno 911 is located in Reno, South Park is in Denver, and I think Scrubs takes place in Southern California. I have a theory for the name too, but that’s another story…

To Indefinitely Be Continued

H.T (Happy Thanksgiving)